I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
