And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
