At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
