he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
