Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
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i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
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So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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