when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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