Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
