Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
