I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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