Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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