I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
