The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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