It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
