Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
