I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
