I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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