your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
