So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
