Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
