i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
