imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
