We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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