There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
