She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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