I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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