hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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