and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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