you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
