i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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