i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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