Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
