I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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