At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
