my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I love you. Go after that dick
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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