the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
