Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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