dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
