just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
