I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
