I heard we made out
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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