Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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