You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
