Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
