there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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