he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
