woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
