Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
