I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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