i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
