I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
