i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
