Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
