Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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