I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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