The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
