my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
