Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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